Featured Article:
The Holiday Dilemma, Should Mom Attend?

By Marilyn Raichle, a regular contributor to Alzheimer's Reading Room

As the holidays approach, we again have the discussion.. Is it too much for her? Too stressful to be in an unfamiliar place away from her comfort zone?

Will she want to leave early? – Unfair to her sister who lives in a nearby retirement home and who will want to stay longer.

And the unspoken question – Why bother, when she won’t remember it anyway?

But it’s Thanksgiving…

I feel so strongly that Mom, if at all possible, should continue to be a part of our life – especially major celebrations.

Am I being selfish or inclusive?

Am I thinking more of me and my need to keep Mom part of my life and less of her peace of mind?

Increasingly, when away from home too long, she becomes anxious, wondering where she is and why she is there.

“Do I have to stay here?” 

She asks, impatient to return to the security of her small home.

And there have been occasions where taking Mom would have been unwise. As much as she loves the water, a very long trip to a family reunion at the beach was in that category.

Too many unfamiliar faces, too much stimulus and too far away to return home quickly should she become uneasy.

But this is a relatively short trip – about 30 minutes.

She loves taking drives and “getting out.”

I can take her home early if she becomes anxious. Mom’s sister, our wonderful Aunt, can ride home with my sister if she wants to stay longer.

I will work to keep her engaged – to keep anxiety at bay.

And Mother will definitely enjoy the food … especially dessert.

I think the central truth for me is that the life of our family would be diminished if Mom were not a part of it – knowing that adjustments are needed.

But I wonder – am I making the right decision for Mom?

Comment from Regina to Alzheimer’s Reading Room:

We advise clients and friends to not give up on taking a mother (or father, aunt or uncle) with dementia anywhere she/he would like to go, or bringing her to the holiday family events. In the earlier stages she may be more anxious, but still enjoy it.

Later, the anxiety seems less, as she is less aware. She may not remember that she went anywhere, but the change of scenery and the interaction is so good for her. She is always more engaged when you take her out than when she is at her home. Do not to let the mobility issues impede you from taking her out. One of our clients took her mom on a long boat ride this summer, and just wheeled her on the boat in her wheelchair. She was a little anxious going down the dock, but once on the boat she really seemed to be enjoying herself. They just decided to try it, and it ended up being a great day!

Never give up on taking Mom places or bringing her to the holiday family events. She may not remember that she went anywhere, but the change of scenery, and the interaction is so good for her. She may be more engaged when taken her out than when she is at her care home.

Mom may well enjoy family outings, even when she does not remember them. When the forgetfulness starts to include special occasions it will sadden hearts.  However, it is important to remember that even if Mom would not remember, how very precious your memories will be

If the event becomes too much for your mom, take her to a quiet room for some downtime.

Make sure to limit her exposure to small excited children, but give her time to spend with them in smallseparate interactions of 2 or so at a time. She will love hugging them even when she doesn’t know most of their names.  She may pose for photos with them, and love looking at the photos later on. She will enjoy listening to others talk, and the adult family members should always include her in small talk, about her pretty outfit, or her hairstyle.

BOTTOM LINE:
You should do what is best for you and your family. Your Mom is still ALIVE. If you will feel incomplete without her at the holidays, so bring her and plan to drive her home if needed. Think of a way to make her more at ease at the event & enjoy it. Switch your thinking from Burden to Joy. I know that you can't know today what next week will bring. You will not regret the time you spent with her or caring for her. Think of this as taking care of you.

A FINAL NOTE:  As many of our readers know, we lost my mother, Kelly’s grandmother, to Alzheimer’s in July 2012.  She enjoyed many parties, family gatherings, and dinners out, even as late as 3 weeks before her death.  Far from an inconvenience to us, it was a way of building memories we cherish today.  Bring your mother, or father, aunt or uncle.  While you still can.

Regina McNamara RN, MSN, MPH Owner Always There Home Care ■